Revelations

I am the adult child of an alcoholic father and stepmother. I don't think this is news to anyone that knows me, or at least knows me well. My dad has been a drinker and smoker my whole life and my stepmom has been in my life since I was 11 and she was 24.

I could list out a long list of fabulous memories that this disease and addictions have left implanted on my brain. But, I won't. But, it is easy enough to understand why I don't smoke, do drugs, or drink heavily. I have seen enough of the negative results to never want to be in that situation, not put my son through what I had to go through.

As a teenager, I had a smart mouth on me - *shocker*, and got my face slapped a few times for calling my parents drunks, tearing up cigarettes, pouring pepper in beer, etc. The fact of the matter is that I wanted everything to just be fixed, I couldn't stand people I love killing themselves. At 16 I ran away and at 19 I moved out and bought a place with my now ex-husband.

Ok, so that is the summary of the backstory. Now, my dad has gone through rehab (didn't work), almost died from heart failure (at least quit smoking), and was pulled over and charged with a DWI (yep, that did it). He has been going to AA meetings for a year, he was not smoking (was), and has not been drinking (at least not around me). I know, as as adult and through alot of experience, that people with addictions cannot be forced to quit these addictions and change. You can only be supportive of them, but not the behavior, and just be there when they need you.

So, now my stepmom refuses to change. My dad asked her to quit drinking, and told her if she didn't that she might as well go buy him a carton of cigarettes. So, she went and bought him a carton. This absolutely shows a higher desire to not change, than respecting and loving the person that is asking you to change. Plus, he almost died from this crap. You would think she would want to keep him healthy and get herself healthy, but no, she is just too far deep. In fact, I remember her telling me when she was 26 or 27 that drinking and smoking were two of the only things she enjoyed and she wouldn't quit. It's sad that anyone would really think that at that age.

Now, my dad is at his wits end and can't stand to see her drunk all the time. So, he has even told me that he has started drinking because he can't deal with her. This, of course led to a couple hours of conversation on keeping himself healthy first, not falling into the old traps, and leaving the house if necessary to step away from the situation. The funny thing is that after years of dealing with this, I know you can't make anyone change in this situation and that they will hopefully change when they are ready. After all, it took him until he was 61. He actually doesn't understand this, yet that was HIM!!!

I have told him to look inside of him and to remember how he felt when people tried to make him change before he was ready. And to remember that rehab and almost dieing didn't work for him and that nobody is really sure what the right mix will be to make the switch.

I keep urging him to be strong, don't dictate, and be loving. Show her that he is worried about her. Besides the addictions, she is also having stomach issues and hardly eating. So, of course, I am urging that he tries to get her to a doctor to get her healthy and then address the addictions.

The end of it, she is not listening, he doesn't know how to handle it, and I am afraid he is going to just fall back into his issues in order to deal with her. And, how can I help? That I am not so sure of either. I actually suggested discussing this at his next AA meeting because I am sure there are people there that may be going through this same situation.

Knowing me, I am sure I will end up confronting her about it as well. Not that she hasn't been hearing this from me for more than 20 years and she is hearing it from my dad on a daily basis, but maybe it will take both of us showing that we are concerned - who knows. The fact is that you never know what is going on inside someones head who is so far into their disease that they are scared to get clean.