Hair removal

A friend of mine posted this on myspace and it is soooo funny that I had to share.

(I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but....WHAT A RIOT!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy,painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax.
Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully inmy mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom.

It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out.(YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each otherstuck together.Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah..right!) I lay the strip across my thigh.Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all waywardbody hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north.After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Usingthe same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip.CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has causedme so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel inthe glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip.

There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see thehair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch.I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactlywhere the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor .Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hotwater and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works!!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my griefand despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color...

Motherhood

I was never a crier until my son was born, now it seems like the littlest things he does makes me cry or come close to it anyway. I still tear up when I think of how he almost knocked his preschool teacher of two years off the stage at preschool graduation. He had Miss Chrissy for two years and she was moving at the end of the school year. He literally ran across the stage and gave her the biggest hug when she called his name to get his certificate (diploma would be a stretch).

Jason and I have a great bond and he is the one person in my life that I love completely with 100% of me. Not that I don't love everyone else in my life (Ira, my Dad, etc), but with your kids it is different. The best part is that I have no doubt in my mind how much he knows I love him.

Now, this may have to do with the fact that we are not actually together 100% of the time. I generally travel three days a week and part of this is overnight. Plus, he has spent at 2 - 4 nights a week with his dad since he was 3. There are those occasions when he may be home for a week while I am home on vacation or if we go somewhere, but for the past two weeks he has spent one night with his Dad. This has mostly been due to illnesses. Grnadma has a cold and her immune system is already low. Jason had a small bug lat week. His Dad has been sick twice with two different things the past two weeks. And, there has been two football camps on top of that. So, he and I have been together pretty much since he got out of school on the 10th.

While some parents may find this unusual because they are with their kids all of the time, for Jason and I this is unusual. And by now we would be driving each other nuts. But, we don't seem to be, he has been wanting to go with me everywhere. At 12 - this is not a normal occurance for any boy. But, I will take it while I have it. He will be a full teenager before I know it and who knows where that may lead. I know I was a handful in those years :-)

Day by day

With my job, the summers tend to slow down for traveling. So, it's been a lot of baseball games and working from my home office. However, last week Jason had football camp at Grand Valley, so we stayed in Grandville for two nights. He was at camp all day and I was visiting with customers.

It was a actually a nice little non-vacation. Both nights we were there we went to see the West Michigan Whitecaps. They are the Tigers minor league team in Comstock Park. I have also taken Jason and Ira to see the Indianapolis Indians, but that game was rained out in the 3rd inning. I love the minor league games, they are action packed and family oriented. The first night we were in the 4th row behind 1st base. We were close to all of the action between innings and the first baseman even through Jason a ball from the 3rd out of the inning.

He had so much fun that he wanted to go back. The next night we bought lawn seats and sat in left field because that is where most of the foul balls go. This crowd was lame. They didn't get excited, they didn't cheer, they didn't even clap. So, since this night was not nearly as full as the night before we packed up our blanket and moved back to the section from the night before. At least, that sections gets into the game.

We came home on Friday and had baseball games Saturday and Sunday. Plus a friend of ours had been staying at our house since Thursday. So, Ira and I went out with him Friday night and we all went to dinner Saturday night. On top of that, I decided to finally start painting my house. We have lived there for 3 years and I have only painted 2 rooms. So, now I have paint for the living room (and hallway), kitchen, and Jason's room. I already have paint for Ira's kids room, so that just leaves the basement, upstairs bath, and our room. I am hoping to have the living room (3 walls have 1 coat on them) and kitchen done by the end of June (maybe Jason's room too) and the hallway and kids room done by the end of July.

So, that is all for now. I will try to write more over the next week.